When I work with clients, one of the first orders of business after we develop a connection is to build a common, productive language. I help clients replace particular words or phrases that are limiting: words like but, ever, never, always, you (as a subject) and not & its derivatives like won’t, don’t and can’t. One strategy I introduce them to is teaching their smartphones and computers that but doesn’t exist so they get prompted each time they try to use it – they can then replace it with something more productive like “Yes, and…”.
The problem with but is that it invalidates whatever came before it. You might say, “I hear you, sweetheart, when you say you want some quiet time with me, but I just want to watch the game.” That one word
I’ve come to notice two particular reactions to this process.